I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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