I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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