My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
