there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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