Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
