You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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