Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
