we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize