At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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