capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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