True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
