Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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