i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
