We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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