she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
