I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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