So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
