I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
