You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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