the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
