And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my shit smells like andre
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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