I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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