literally had 100 drinks last night.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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