Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
