I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
