Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
