Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
