the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
