Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My ATM looks so different sober.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
