what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
