You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
