First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
