Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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