he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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