Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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