So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
