I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
