Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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