Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize