I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
