I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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