just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
