Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize