my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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