i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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