My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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