Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
