I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize