I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
