did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
