you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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