Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
