Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
