Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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