Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
